That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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