If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
