the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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