The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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