he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
