I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
