ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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