today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
