I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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