we have pet lesbian snakes
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
