cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
