Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
