i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
