I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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