dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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