This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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