I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
