Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
