Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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