Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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