he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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