Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
