Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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