dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
