i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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