So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
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All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
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i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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