and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
