you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
