Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
