Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
whose parrot is this?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
