I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
