my phone needs a breathalizer
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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