It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
