I just cut my nipple shaving
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
