I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
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Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
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Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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