why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
