I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.