I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked