Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
