remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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