Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
