I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
