ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
