I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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