Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
