In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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