walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
