Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
