I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
