I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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