He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
