I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
