I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize