I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
