god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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