I cannot find my penis.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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