All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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