just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
