I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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