U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
